Well here we are, one year later.

When people I haven’t seen for a long time asked me how I have been doing, it’s hard to hide the truth: It was a tough year. It was a depressing year.

“Do you feel better now that you cut gluten out?” they ask. No, not really.Even with a complete diet overhaul to fix my nutrient deficiencies from the celiac damage and exercising daily to improve my health, I have experienced more stomach pain and problems in the last year than I did the entire time I was stuffing my face with gluten every day.

I also spent a lot of time inexplicably hungry. I have never tried to lose weight, so I don’t know what dieting feels like. Do others also feel like their stomach is caving in and that they might pass out if they don’t eat something soon?

The truth is, I still do not know what I should be eating in order to feel full, satisfied and pain-free. My gliadin levels are normal again and I’m not experiencing my gluten-reactions, but my stomach is still all sorts of unhappy more often than I’d like.

There is this promise of magically feeling like a “new person” when you cut gluten out and while it feels slightly different, I don’t feel reenergised or reborn. I still feel broken and vulnerable, like there is still so much more for me to figure out in order to be a happy, healthy person.

Mentally, I felt much better after ridding gluten from our house, but I’ve almost entirely stopped eating out in Zurich, which is hard for some friends to understand. I anxiously research tons before trips and bring snacks so I always have safe food to eat. I am much less spontaneous regarding food and easily upset when food plans change.

Through the year I’ve gotten better with protein so that I don’t feel hungry all day long. At home, I’ve come a long way from a totally overwhelmed newbie. Cooking gluten-free at home is a breeze and I slowly started experimenting with more foods that I used to eat  gluten versions, like cake and pizza, for example.

(Breaded fish tacos with homemade corn tortillas)

Actually… that’s a lie, I haven’t really done a proper cake, only a cheesecake, but I am baking one tonight. 😉 It’s just taken this long to get to a place where I feel comfortable dealing with multiple types of flour and branching out into new baking territory.

Hopefully in another year I will feel better internally, but it’s also still depressing to go to the grocery knowing that half of the store is not applicable to me anymore. Even a year later, I am still depressed to shop for groceries alone and find myself looking at all the foods I cannot eat whenever Kay is not there. There are constant reminders of my former diet everywhere, from the bakery smells in the train station in the morning to the birthday and visitor cakes sitting across from my desk in the kitchenette at work.

I must also be conscious of whatever goes into my mouth whenever I’m not eating my own prepared food. It’s getting better, but it’s never going to be as good as when it wasn’t a problem. I think I will never stop wishing that it wasn’t a problem.